Sir David Tang, founder of ICorrect, globetrotter and the man about too many towns to mention, divides his time between homes in Hong Kong, mainland China and London. Here he invites readers’ queries for his advice on property, interiors, etiquette at home (wherever you live), parties and anything else that may be bothering you.
What does one do when an extra guest turns up for a sit-down dinner, either because of an admin error or through another guest bringing along someone extra?
Once Sir Philip Green and Richard Caring asked me to bring “Boris” to dinner, when they meant Boris Johnson, and I genuinely thought they meant Boris Berezovsky. On the night I was late, and a short bald Russian oligarch, instead of a spiky-haired tall Caucasian, turned up at Sir Philip’s pad. To give him his due, he welcomed his surprise guest, possibly because of the two rather burly bodyguards in tow. By the time I arrived, we had realised the comedy of errors for which Evelyn Waugh could not have written a better Scoop if he had tried! We dined together as if nothing had happened, even if I glimpsed a few contorted faces from my hosts. But full marks to them for playing the entire pantomime out with real style.
The climax of the evening came when I eventually took Berezovsky off the premises, who then asked me, “Who were those two people?” Green was heard laughing aloud for a whole day afterwards. I did produce Boris Johnson at a subsequent dinner. Needless to say, we all chuckled non-stop. The exemplary lesson from Green is to keep calm, and just improvise on the cameo surprise. The trick is to achieve accommodation as an acrobatic host and not to become a whinger who doesn’t rise to the social challenge.
My wife is an avid user of Facebook. An acquaintance of ours who lives abroad is moving to London, and sent a round-robin e-mail to a number of attractive women, saying “he was moving to London, and would they like to meet for coffee?” Amusingly for us, as we know this guy quite well, one of these women was my wife. She is at a bit of a loss as to what to reply.
Your wife should send the following reply, also as a round-robin: “My husband and I would be delighted to meet you for a quick cup of coffee when you come to London. But please do not pretend to be friendly to my husband and wink at me like an Ovidian lover, because I will never have an affair with you. I am also circulating this to warn all of my girlfriends and your prospective female friends.” I think this circular will well prepare him for London.
What is the protocol that one should follow in speaking first at dinner to the lady on your left or right? When should you change to the other side without just dropping the first person to whom you spoke? And what do you do if the person on the other side of her is not following the same rule as you?
Who do you think you are? The Duke of Edinburgh? The duke must have eaten 100,000 formal dinners during his 65 years of marriage. So he would have an understandable excuse to oscillate mechanically in a half-pendulum between his adjacent guests. But you are not the Duke of Edinburgh, and therefore you should really concentrate on the quality of your conversation rather than its length.
Politeness always comes with a bit of effort, and an implicit duty of yours as a dinner guest is to amuse your fellow companions. So never start off with pedestrian questions like “What does your husband do?”, or “How many children do you have?” Once you ignite such a boring wick, you are bound to spiral into an abyss of bourgeois tedium. Always surprise your guests with a provocative question. A woman once said to Henry Kissinger, “I am told that you are a fascinating man. Fascinate me.” So imagine how you would respond if you were Henry Kissinger.
Once you get an amusing conversation going, you would not have to worry about how much time you have to spend on either side. I once sat between Barbara Black and Joan Collins but didn’t have enough time to go through their combined husbands.
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